


House Of Memories

by Peachykeenaspie



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abandonment, Anger, Angst, Angst With A Neutral Ending, Arguing, Based On A Panic! At The Disco Song, Catharsis, Courtesy of my obsession with Panic! At the Disco, Crying, Dissociation, Even if Virgil doesn't show it, Exactly Three Curse Words, Fear, Feelings of Abandonment, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insanity, Lots of Crying, Many Flashbacks, Mentions of Insanity, Regret, Sadness, Songfic, Sort Of, Sympathetic Everybody, disturbing imagery, emotional breakdowns, mental breakdowns, reference to panic attacks, remus is remus, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26367337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peachykeenaspie/pseuds/Peachykeenaspie
Summary: Janus doesn't know why Virgil left; maybe he'll never know. It all happened so suddenly. But despite his undeniably impressive capacity for lies and repression, he can't bring himself to forget the friendship he used to have.Even if Virgil seems to have forgotten completely.So Janus grieves for the things he never knew he'd lost until it was too late, regrets the things he never knew he'd done until they came back to bite him, and remembers the things he thought he'd never have to miss.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Both relationships are meant to be platonic, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, but if you want to read as romantic go right ahead
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	House Of Memories

**Author's Note:**

> A note that this is set right after the Halloween video end card (also note that the Halloween video is riiiiiight before SVS... >:) )  
> However, there are a bunch of flashbacks, sort of time skips, from random points in Janus' past in no linear order. Our one and only snek boi has just got a lot of memories...

_Woah, woah_

_Woah, woah_

“Jay, wait up!”

Tiny bodies hurtle down a dim hallway. Laughter bounces off the walls, lighting up the Dark Side with life.

~~It’s so dark now…~~

_If you're a lover, you should know_

_The lonely moments just get lonelier_

_The longer you're in love_

_Than if you were alone_

“I made you sssomething.”

Janus gently lifts one side of the massive headphones off ~~his~~ head so ~~he~~ can hear him.

~~He~~ perks up, putting ~~his~~ phone down and ripping the headphones all the way off in excitement.

“What **is** **it?”** In ~~his~~ eagerness, a hint of ~~his~~ Tempest Tongue bleeds through.

“Oh, yesss, I’m _definitely_ going to tell you what’s in the wrapped present that is _definitely_ not _A,_ sssitting right in front of you or _B,_ _literally meant for you_.”

~~His~~ face breaks into that rare, beautiful smile, shining through ~~his~~ gloomy countenance.

“Oh! A hoodie?”

“It… it may or may not be a little too large…”

“Shut up,” ~~he~~ breathes, running a hand across the soft fabric. “It’s perfect.”

Janus would do anything to keep that smile on ~~his~~ face.

~~Janus would do _anything_ to see that smile again.~~

_Memories turn into daydreams become a taboo_

_I don't want to be afraid_

_The deeper that I go_

_It takes my breath away_

Is it bad that Janus wants to witness one of ~~his~~ panic attacks, just so he can have a chance to comfort ~~him~~ the way he used to, one last time?

Those were _terrible_ memories,

But they’re better than no memories at all.

He’s that desperate.

~~Pathetic.~~

_Soft hearts electric souls_

_Heart to heart and eyes to eyes_

~~He~~ finds Janus huddled in the bathtub, trying desperately to hide his tears from ~~him~~. ~~He~~ purses ~~his~~ lips and squeezes ~~himself~~ into the tub next to Janus, giving him a sideways hug made awkward by the cramped space, but that’s so secure…

“Hey. _Hey! Look_ at me.”

Janus looks up, eyes puffy.

“We ‘Dark Sides’ have to stick together, you know that? And _I_ , for one, think you’re worth sticking around for, _no matter_ what Princey says.” ~~He~~ practically spits the name.

It’s one of the days, you know, where Janus just wants to rip all of his scales off,

those hideous reminders of _why_ he’s down here,

_Why_ he’s repressed.

Why they’re _all_ repressed…

~~It’s not like Roman was wrong.~~

_“Sssurely_ you d-don’t mean that.”

“You serious? I don’t know what I’d do without you!”

A hoarse smile: “…Thanksss. I don’t need you either.”

A pause. “Hey, do you want to get back at the Light Sides with me? I know Remus has some surprisingly well thought-through revenge pranks... for once…”

Janus laughs weakly, scrubbing at his ~~teary~~ eyes.

~~It’s going to be okay.~~

_Is this taboo?_

“I wonder what it’s like to be up there.”

“Probably horrible. We ssshould think about it more often.”

_Baby we built this house_

_On memories_

_Take my picture now_

_Shake it til you see it_

“Janus, Remus set the sink on fire again!” ~~He~~ shouts from downstairs, just a tinge of worry creeping into an otherwise blasé tone brought about from years of the exact same occurrence happening too many times to count.

“ _Again_? How doesss that even work?!” Janus hollers back, already trotting down the stairs with an exasperated smirk. “Tell Remusss that I’m taking away his exsssplosssivesss for a week!”

“Janny, I know you’re lying!” Remus shrieks gleefully.

There’s a crashing sound, and a shouted assortment of cursing, and when Janus reaches the bottom of the stairs, he regards the mess critically.

“Oh, you know me too well, Remusss,” he purrs. “A _month_ , then.” ( ~~He~~ bursts out laughing at Remus’ dumbfounded expression, ~~his~~ face silhouetted by the wild glow of the burning dumpster fire that used to be the kitchen sink.)

_And when your fantasies_

_Become your legacy_

**“W-what are you?”** the newly formed Side asks, voice heavy and layered with mistrust and fear.

Janus smiles placatingly and takes a seat a few feet away from ~~him~~. “My name’sss Deceit. What’sss yours?”

The new Side blinks, and the shadows surrounding them recede a little. **“I’m… Anx** iety, I think.”

_Promise me a place_

_In your house of memories_

“…Do you think that if Thomasss ignoresss usss enough, we’ll be forgotten altogether?” Janus remarks casually. His heart constricts at the thought, the one he’s been obsessing over for the past week. He's good at hiding it, though.

“I don’t know, but whatever happens, I do know we won’t forget about _each other_ ,” ~~he~~ responds with sudden vehemence. ~~He always was perceptive.~~

“…Good to know.” Janus feels better already.

_Woah, woah_

_Woah, woah_

When did it happen? When did he miss it? How did his best friend slip through his fingers?

_I think of you from time to time_

_More than I thought I would_

Janus knows he shouldn’t be doing this. There’s no room for him in ~~his~~ new life, and ~~he’s~~ made that quite clear, but he’s desperate. He needs to do this. He needs a reminder of the past. He rises up cautiously in ~~his~~ new room, already feeling his anxiety spiking from exposure to the Room ~~and nothing else, never anything else. He’s not at all hoping~~ _he’s_ ~~there for some inexplicable reason. Not at all.~~ He finds the hoodie, the one he gave ~~him~~ , stuffed at the back of the closet, and frowns down at it.

_Appropriate._

There's a strange tightening in his chest. No, that's not right. He's fine. He's _~~fine~~_.

_You were just too kind_

_And I was too young to know_

_That's all that really matters_

“Janus?”

“Yesss?”

“I love you, you know that?”

_…Love?_

_~~Sure~~_ _he ~~did.~~_

_I was a fool_

“Don’t _ever_ let them see they hurt you, okay? Besides, we’ll always ssstick together, like you sssaid.” Janus nudges ~~him~~ , half-teasing, half-comforting.

“Always?” ~~Virgil~~ sniffs.

“Certainly not. Why on earth would we?”

“Heh.”

_Baby we built this house_

_On memories_

_Take my picture now_

_Shake it til you see it_

Movie nights in front of the beat-up old flatscreen in the living room:

Remus has his tentacles out and draped over the back of the couch, occasionally poking Janus with the tip of one slimy appendage to see if he’ll get a reaction (he won’t).

_Treasure Island_ is playing.

… _ ~~He’s~~_ perched on the arm of the couch, inching slowly but steadily closer to Janus and Remus, pretending ~~he~~ doesn’t want to join Remus’ “forced” cuddle pile even though ~~he~~ really does.

_~~Didn’t~~_ _he ~~?~~_

_And when your fantasies_

_Become your legacy_

_Promise me a place_

_In your house of memories_

A rush of emotion floods Janus as he tentatively plucks the hoodie from the floor of ~~his~~ closet. He’s not upset. He’s definitely not upset that _this_ is the only remnant ~~he~~ keeps of their friendship.

~~If that’s the case, why are you in~~ his ~~room in the first place?~~

~~Why does it hurt that it’s stuffed in a closet?~~

_Woah, woah_

_Woah, woah_

“You know this is what I normally wear,” ~~he~~ retorts testily. In the aftermath of the Halloween video, Janus can’t help but be hurt that he wasn’t invited to the costume party. ~~He~~ _knows_ Halloween is Janus’ favorite holiday.

Yes, Janus knows _all_ about the purple monstrosity that replaced the hoodie ~~he~~ _used_ to wear. He wishes to god he doesn’t.

“I’ve never ssseen that outfit in my life. Ssstylish clothing assside, just be sssure to… keep up that persssonal growth, Virgil. Who knowsss? Maybe sssoon, you could be rid of usss all.” Oh, loaded words. Janus knows it’s petty, making a comment like that. ~~He’s~~ got to know what Janus is referring to. It’s completely justified. His feelings are valid.

~~He’s not lonely. He doesn’t miss~~ him ~~.~~

As he sinks out, his eye catches on a scooby-doo tag lying innocuously on the floor. _So_ that’s _where that went_. He rises up again quickly, in his excitement ready to joke with Virgil about finding odd things in random places.

“Oh, what the—I wasss—” he starts, forgetting for a moment, foolishly, the rift that’s grown between the two of them. For a moment, he forgets everything that happened. He forgets that he did _something_ wrong that turned him into the villain in ~~his~~ story. Then he takes a good look at the disgust on ~~his~~ face and the walls are back up. “--totally not looking for thisss.”

“Yeah, you better run,” ~~he~~ calls as Janus makes his ~~hasty retreat~~ dramatic exit to the Dark Side. ~~That doesn’t hurt.~~

Don’t _ever_ let them see they hurt you. That’s his mantra; he still can’t wrap his mind around the fact that “them” applies to… to ~~him~~ now too.

As soon as Janus gets back to his own room, he has _that_ idea. He shivers.

If ~~he~~ doesn’t want the hoodie Janus gave ~~him~~ , then maybe ~~he~~ doesn’t deserve to _have_ it.

~~God knows Janus needs it.~~

_Those thoughts of past lovers_

_They'll always haunt me_

~~He’s~~ nowhere to be seen, and after all, why would ~~he~~ be?

~~He~~ left Janus for all ~~his~~ new _friends_.

~~His~~ _real_ family. Where ~~he~~ belongs.

And Janus is alone.

_~~He’s~~_ _probably downstairs, watching a movie with_ ~~them _._~~

Janus sucks in a breath and squeezes his eyes shut, clutching the old black hoodie between shaking hands, gloves discarded on the floor next to him. He can’t bring himself to sink out of ~~his~~ room again, not yet.

He needs to _touch_ it, to run his fingers over the faded black-and-grey checkered pattern the way ~~he~~ used to, to know that the childhood that he imagined was _real_ …

The poor garment was discarded for a better version.

Hoodie 2.0…

Janus may be _stealing_ it from ~~him~~ , but it was tossed carelessly in a closet anyway; it won’t be missed.

It’s not like ~~he~~ cares anymore.

~~Did~~ he ~~_ever_ care?~~

Beginning as a trickle and growing by the second, sobbing starts in the empty room,

Rocking back and forth as tears pour down scaly cheeks and dampen the hoodie that he's pressed to his face.

When he talks about being discarded, is he talking about the hoodie, or something ~~…some _one_~~ else?

_I’m ~~not~~ _cursed…

_I’m ~~not~~ evil_…

_Where did I go wrong?_

_I wish I could believe_

_You'd never wrong me_

“It’s going to be alright, Shadowling. Everything’s going to be alright.”

_Then will you remember_

_Me in the same way_

_As I remember you_

Eyes crinkling with mirth behind smudged eyeshadow, or flashing dangerously at one of the ~~Others’~~ insults, ready to defend Janus and Remus from anything and everyone life throws at them,

Mouth half-covered by a pale hand as ~~he~~ tries not to laugh at a joke Remus made,

Face highlighted in the ghostly light of a phone at 2 am, perched on the kitchen counter and pretending there’s nothing strange about “sitting” that way when Janus comes down for an early morning cup of insomnia-coffee.

_Baby we built this house_

_On memories_

Shouting, screaming, _how did this happen?_

Anger.

_So much anger…_

_And then…_

~~He~~ hunches below ~~his~~ hood, glowering at Janus with more fury than he could have ever imagined.

“I won’t be manipulated by you _an **ymore**_ **. I’m done being your pawn, you lying _snake_!”**

_NO! I-I WOULD_ NEVER _— I COULD NEVER—_

Deceit says nothing. There is nothing he _can_ say.

The sound of the blood rushing in his ears is almost as loud as the sound of his façade of cool collected cunning shattering into a million irreparable pieces.

~~He~~ rolls ~~his~~ eyes, snorting. “Like I’d believe _that."_

Oh.

Maybe he did say that out loud.

“I’m leaving. I’m done.” Virgil holds up a hand as Deceit steps forward, the latter not even attempting to disguise the desperation in his pleading look. ~~Don’t ever let them see they hurt you.~~ “Save it for someone who gives a shit.” Janus lets his outstretched hand drop limply to his side.

…So these are the memories Janus is left with.

_Take my picture now_

_Shake it til you see it_

The next morning, ~~he’s~~ gone.

No goodbye.

No note.

No sign of ~~him~~ left anywhere in the commons.

~~No chance for Janus to say he’s sorry, whatever he did he’s _sorry, he’s so so ss-ssssorry--_~~

An empty room full of shadows and wisps of cobwebs, and a new room upstairs.

_And when your fantasies_

_Become your legacy_

_Promise me a place_

Echoes of the past reverberate eerily in the head of someone who can’t forget, can’t let go.

A lifetime of lying to himself and everyone around him, and he can’t bring himself to forget _one person_.

Can’t bring himself to pretend that there was never a time when he cared…

Or that there was a time when _~~he~~_ cared.

~~Goddamn it, why is this so _hard?_~~

_Baby we built this house_

_On memories_

_Take my picture now_

_Shake it til you see it_

~~Pathetic. You drove him away. One of the two people who would tolerate you…somehow, your world shrunk to half of its size in an instant and you don’t even know what happened. Half the planets in your solar system just disappeared. No, no, _you’re_ the planets, and your sun up and vanished out of the blue, leaving every part of you behind to freeze in an instant. Isn’t that funny? You’re starting to sound like Remus...~~

~~I wonder, if I had looked hard enough, _tried_ hard enough, not been _myself_ , if I could have changed _every_ thing?~~

~~Maybe we would still be watching Disney on that old flatscreen, maybe he would still be in the Commons when you come down in the morning, maybe he wouldn’t have _left…_~~

_~~He’s gone he’s gone he’s gone he’s **g o n e**.~~_

~~And he’s _never_ coming back.~~

_And when your fantasies_

_Become your legacy_

_~~Maybe I deserve to be forgotten.~~_

_Promise me a place_

_In your house of memories_

He said he’d never leave.

_Woah, woah_

_Woah, woah_

~~He~~ said a lot of things.

How many of those things were true?

How pathetic that Deceit can’t even tell if _~~someone else~~_ had been lying.

_In your house of memories_

“Virgil? Isss everything okay?”

**“No.”**

Is that where it started? If Janus could look back on his entire life, could he pinpoint the moment in time when he lost ~~Virgil~~?

_Woah, woah_

Whispered words, choked with loss, where nobody can hear them:

_“…I misss you…”_

_Promise me a place (woah, woah)_

~~He~~ may not remember, or maybe ~~he~~ chooses not to, but Deceit can never forget.

_~~In your house of memo r i e s…~~ _

Later, Remus charges into Janus’ room, looking for something to do to assuage the boredom and loneliness that have become the norm for him in the weeks after Virgil left. Janny has been avoiding him. It hurts, but Remus thinks he knows why, and he doesn’t blame him. He’s going in to bother him anyway. Or rather…

Let’s rephrase that.

Remus is bored, yes, but what makes him break down Janus’ door is not mere ennui, oh no-- the source is something darker, something unnameable and tragically revolting that sloshes around inside of him like he’s bleeding internally, blood and bone and guts crunching and pulverizing over and over again every time he moves, every time he thinks about Virgil… and that same feeling tells Remus that Janus is feeling the same.

It’s lucky, then, (or maybe luck has nothing to do with it) that Remus gives in to his “boredom” and breaks down the door; Janus is once again curled in the bathtub like when they were kids, not even trying to conceal the violent, choking sobs wracking his shoulders, his ugly shudders saying all there is to say. Remus’ guts smush together a little more, his stomach lurching when he sees how Janny is clutching Virgil’s old black hoodie: with gloveless hands so tense his knuckles are white. Like it’s the only thing keeping him alive, keeping him sane.

He doesn’t look very sane at the moment. Not like this. Not so broken.

An image flashes through Remus’ mind: Janus snapping, going mad with heartbreak and remorse and bitterness, showing up on the Light Side with a crazed gleam in his eye and an unhinged smile that only belongs on Remus himself, giggling with deranged fervor and sobbing uncontrollably at the same time as he rakes fingernails across Virgil’s cheek again and again to make him feel even a _fraction_ of the pain, the pure unfiltered anguish, that he’s feeling, or he grabs Virgil’s wrist and drags him back to the Dark Side, locking Virgil in his old empty room and then collapsing just outside the locked door, the demented grin sliding off his face like a Dalí clock as the harsh sobs take over, and then the Light Sides drag Janny away and lock _him_ up so he’ll never see the light of even the Dark Side again, he’ll never see Remus again, and then they’ll both be _truly_ alone, but he forces the thought down with the rest of his torn up insides and, in a gesture unknowingly and eerily similar in intent and action to what Virgil did so long ago (yet so different), picks Janus up in a bridal carry and brings him gently out of the bathroom.

Janus offers no resistance, no sign of movement other than the shaking of his shoulders, and again a thought burbles up unbidden, of Remus’ Janny locked in a padded room, staring blankly into nothing, forced into a straitjacket so he won’t destroy himself from grief…

A thought of the Janny Remus knows ~~and loves~~ being gone forever, a twisted husk of a Side left in his place, a wraith, a ghost, a shell, a bag of skin and scales devoid of everything that makes him _himself_ … that makes him _human_ …

Remus resists the urge to pound his head against the nearest wall.

_Out, damned thought!_

Janus sobs quietly in Remus’ arms as Remus lays him on the ragged old couch in the Commons, and when Remus gently tugs Virgil’s hoodie out of his fingers he latches on to Remus instead, hands balling desperately on the itchy frills of Remus’ outfit.

Remus feels a pang of affection, of grief, of anger, of _loneliness…_

He can’t even bring himself to think of a sex joke.

“I loved him too, you know,” he says softly. He doesn’t expect a response. He just sits down gingerly with Janus folded in his arms, rocking him gently. “I just wish you would talk to me. We’re… we’re both hurting, but... neither of us has to be alone. Neither of us has to be alone. So… I’m here. For you. Just…” Remus takes a shuddering breath, a single black tear slipping down the end of his nose and dripping onto the cushion, sizzling faintly. “Just… don’t _ignore_ me, okay?" His voice cracks, and he swallows heavily. "Please? I’m still _here_.”

Janus sniffs. He doesn’t try to pull himself together, to compose himself in front of Remus; that opportunity is long lost. For the personification of deceit, it sure is ironic that he doesn’t want to hide his feelings. They’re just too raw, and Remus is feeling the same way; there’s no point, not anymore, not now.

“I… I know, Remusss…”

Is that a lie? Janus can’t remember.

**Author's Note:**

> Addendum: naturally, Sanders Sides does not belong to me, and neither does the song "House Of Memories" by Panic! At the Disco (from which I used the lyrics in the work, if you're not familiar)
> 
> For someone who hates tragedies, I seem to be writing an awful lot of neutral-ending stories...
> 
> Me, looking at the multitudinous ranks of neutral-endings in my notes: "...well that's new."
> 
> Also: none of the Sides are unsympathetic in this, even though Virgil in particular is sort of a jerk. Janus is grieving after a *massive* falling-out that he doesn't understand his role in and therefore is rather unreliable as a narrator in that regard  
> Don't worry, all you Virgil stans out there. I love the emo nightmare to pieces. <3
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
